For now...

Only for now...
...disappointment
...discomfort
...incompetent drivers
...cramped living quarters
...heartache
...a dull and boring job
...noisy neighbours
...annoying fruit flies
...hot weather
...limits
...unfulfilled dreams
...boredom
...being single
...uncertainty

"Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now."

new camera, old hobby

Yes, that's right, I finally bought a new camera. It's one of those snazzy digital SLRs that I've been ogling at for ages, y'know the kind that puts a dent in one's bank account. Okay so it wasn't that expensive so I didn't feel too bad about getting it. I think it was more of a comfort buy since being in San Jose for a week tends to wear me out. I needed some sort of reward. So I'm totally stoked about getting it in the mail and then taking it out to play at the Getty Center sometime next week. Woot! As for the old hobby, I'm getting more into photography, obviously since I bought a new camera. It's very relaxing and since I can't draw, it's the only art I can really do. Anyway, I have work to do so this will have to continue later...

conversation

I had a wonderful dinner and conversation with a friend last night. I've missed being stimulated intellectually by another person. I don't know why, maybe I was too focused on studying when I was in school, but I hadn't let my thoughts run like that for years. I've always kept it to myself or it was just difficult to have that kind of conversation where you just talk about anything and everything with maturity and with a view to understand and be educated. It's not like shallow gossip that we are all guilty of or talk for the sake of talk because we can't stand silences. It's almost like a scientific inquiry into the underlying constructs of everyday occurrences.; the cause and effect that certain social phenomena have on our lives. I think I'm going off on a tangent. But anyway, it was so nice to be able to voice opinions and hear opinions that may or may not contradict my own. The point is, it's important to have these kind of discussions in order to broaden ourselves and not be limited by our ignorance. There is a wealth of knowledge; our brains are meant to be used! Why not have this kind of discourse. It's also a sort of self discovery. You find things about yourself and your views of the world, society, humanity, in other words what is core to your being. It forces you to be honest with the person you're speaking to and with yourself. At certain points during our conversation last night, I realized I was speaking from a view that reflected my personal experiences, beliefs, and values. At some point I realized that I tried to supress these beliefs and the thoughts associated with them, but it's pointless to try to ignore them. It was liberating to talk about them and not be judged. And for myself, it allowed an avenue of understanding why I have the beliefs that I do, and being open to correction, open to other ideas and thoughts. In all, I was extremely delighted with how the night went and I definitely can't wait until the next time we meet.

Hmm, it's been a while. This blog is feeling a bit neglected. I think a lot of things are feeling a bit neglected, like my desk, it's getting a bit...crowded. A mountain of applications and paperwork. More stuff to put off. Well, I'm definitely glad to be heading back to LA, after a crazy weekend in San Jose. I hate this place. But my dog was too cute! He's always too cute!
Is he not the cutest thing ever!!! *ahem*

Anyway, had dinner with Dude yesterday at Chili's. I've had this craving for good beef, a good steak. I still have that craving. Just like I still want a good hot dog. Apparently, Chicago hot dogs are amazing. We'll have to see about that after I go to Pink's, and then Chicago. Maybe I'll look for a job over there. Then I can have hot dogs whenever I want. Haha. Isn't that something, moving to a city just for good food. Well I guess it's not that strange. I suppose I should move on from the subject of food lest I make myself hungry again. Perhaps I will go eat my leftovers...

happiness is being alone every now and then...

I've discovered that after coming back from China (yes! I'm back!), I just want to be alone. Maybe I've felt this the whole summer, but definitely more so now. I suppose it's a reaction to being with my mother and my cousin, who annoys me greatly, for the last 3 weeks. I suppose it's also a reaction to all the changes going on in my life, as if everything is seemingly being uprooted and tossed about. I think I just need to get my head cleared and straighten myself out, turn to the Lord, confess, and go on. *sigh* I think I'm just having a hard time in terms of not having a plan for my future. I've always known what I was going to do, but for the first time, my life is unscripted. I know this is the Lord's dealing with my "plan for the future" self. I must turn to the Lord and follow Him. I'm reminded of the message during the summer training where the brother shared on each one having a path that has been ordained by the Lord. We must be faithful to take that path and follow the Lamb to the end. I haven't quite come to that experience, far from it in fact. But I think I'm slowly learning to resign myself into the Lord's hands.

olympic madness

i've decided that the olympics in beijing is more irritating than it is exciting. everything is so much more difficult like getting through the security checks on the subway. i mean, do you realize how many thousands of people pass through the subway systems everyday??? it's crazy. the same goes for traveling outside beijing. since they're limiting the number of foreigners into the city (i.e. people from outside beijing) it's hard for people like us who have foreign passports to get back into the city once we leave. it's horrid! ok maybe i'm just irked at all this olympics stuff. there are good aspects like the reduction in traffic and the cleaning up of the side streets. the only thing is, it's probably all going to go back to the way it was before the olympics. i'm probably jaded but i have a feeling that this is all just a show for the rest of the world.

anywho, enough of that rant. i have exactly 2 weeks until i come back to the US. YAY!! that means i have less than a month until i go back to los angeles! even more YAY! being in beijing is really an exercise. it's hard being away from the saints, i realize. definitely. it's even harder being with my mother all the time. i think one thing that's saved me this time in china is praying for the saints. it doesn't help me any to keep praying for my own situation, in fact it makes me feel worse. but once i start praying for the other members, i feel so much more released. it's good, so Lord keep me praying.

i have this sinking feeling in my heart. i've only been here for 5 days?? impossible it seems. i wish the olympics would just start already. this is really frustrating. there's nothing for me to do here it seems but go wandering around in the city. it's no different from wandering around in LA or san francisco. sigh..